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jirafff
light this [31 May 2006|11:25pm]
poseidon = really? (in a bad way)
do the dew

jirafff
it goes on and on and on and on.. [28 May 2006|02:03pm]
sorrow. and weaping.

me and my baby and a good friend were just watching one of my old dance tapes from my competition years. i love watching old dance tapes! but theres a problem. you see when i was in high school i was pretty fuckin awesome, i was one of the best at my dance studio, and i'm still not afraid to say that. BUT.. since being at college i've been knocked down a few levels, and my ego has shrunk greatly. i sometimes have self esteem issues, and i don't always have the most confidence in myself. when i watch my old dance tapes i feel the same things i did then. i was fierce. so i get cocky when i watch my tapes and i say a lot of things that are probobly rude and very big-headed. it's just nice to remember what it felt like to be untouchable. and i miss that. basicly the people i watched the tapes with were pretty annoyed with me by the end.. and i felt stupid which sucks. sorry guys. it's just nice to remember things like that.

let me also state this: as of right now i am a mad man. i am shaking and i'm nto sure whats going on. last night we went to a nice gathering and got pretty damn retarded. we didn't sleep.. and then i went to wesley's show this morning. i drank a lot of coffee. and i feel CRAZY. my friends are just tierd and grumpy and annoyed at life. i, on the other hand, want to watch more dance tapes and feel good about myself once again.

listen.. this is not a pity party for kyle. i'm just stating some things that i feel, and that others may feel as well sometimes.

what the fuck is going onl;'qmtrw
2 dews| do the dew

jirafff
4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. [25 May 2006|01:29pm]
so whats going on with livejouranl these days? i rememeber when i use to come on to good ol live journal.. and comment to all my friends.. and join groups.. and meet new people.. does that still happen? i'm sure it does..

well anyway.. i'm pretty happy with life at the moment. i haven't really done anything since school was over. wes does his shows in the morning.. and i just kinda sleep in.. every few days a venture out into oakland and go to blockbuster. it's a pretty good time. theres not really any dancers in pitt right now.. at least none that i know of.. but theres a lot of musical theater majors here for the may shows! i mean i'm a big fan of musical theater majors.. and really i enjoy all of them! but ever now and then i just want to talk about doug bentz. ((tracy hurry back to me))

maybe today i'll do shit.. but.. what is there to do?!
do the dew

jirafff
with a little help from my friends [27 Feb 2006|04:55pm]
it's almost 5pm now.. i haven't left my appartment yet and i don't plan on doing so today. i was excused from all classes.. by my mommy. there was a death in my family. i've never had someone close to me die before.. but now i kinda understand what all those people have gone through that have. i'm not crying, i've done enough of that for now. i just feel out of my body.. almost like i'm not awake. but i'm calm. and ok.

i think it's very ironic how the best thing thats ever happened in my life has collided with the worst thing. if i didn't have contact right now i would be a complete mess. everyone has been great, everyone who knows. it's not that i'm keeping a secret.. i just don't want it to be a big deal. and i know the people that read this either already know.. or just aren't going to make a fuss.

i wish i was better with words. theres so many things i want to say.. i just don't always know how. contact has changed my life.. and everyone involved in the show has too. i love every single one of them. i just wish i could tell them how important they all are to me. the show really is amazing.. it's changed my mind set on my career and life.. i'm going to die when it's over. i feel like i'll be empty. how am i going to deal with everything when i can't just go back to contact?

two songs are on my mind right now. both from the same cd by the same artist. "with a little help from my friends" and "better all the time" (i'm nto gonna lie those might not be the actual song titles!) by the beatles. since the begining of contact those two songs have been on my mind, just because they've described my life for the past two months. and they continue to do so. even with all of this that has just happened.

my grandfather is gone forever. he went peacfully, and i know it was his time, which is why i'm ok. he lived a good life. he did what he wanted. he said fuck everyone. he was a wonderful man. and i know he still wants me to continue with the show. and i will.

this performance, and all that come after, are for you grandpa. i love you.
4 dews| do the dew

jirafff
chip and dale [18 Feb 2006|04:06am]
i hate how everyone at this school is right. everyone told me to watch out, and stay away but i didn't. it's not that he's a bad person.. he just can't give me what i want. i do realize this, but it's hard when you like someone this much to just let it go. but i know i need to.

just back off kyle. don't pursue. don't flirt. just back off.

let him ruin all those other peoples lives now..
3 dews| do the dew

jirafff
collide [09 Feb 2006|04:33pm]
i haven't been online in about 2 months. i do not miss it. there has been so much less drama. i'm not really sure why.. but it's true. and i love it.

so i'm in this show called contact.. and it's awesome.. best experiance of my life.. you should all come see it! feb 22nd - march 5th.. i think!

love life is kind of a mess.. theres a boy who i like.. but thats always dramatic here at point park.. he's a pretty special guy.. and i think it would be great.. if we could get over commitment issues.. trust issues.. etc.. this weekend i think i'm going to ask him if he wants to be my valentine. maybe give him a flower.. yeah we'll see.. hehe

ok.. life is wonderful. and thats it.

yay!
2 dews| do the dew

jirafff
death of rock. [17 Dec 2005|11:26pm]
it's my last night in pittsburgh. i haven't been home for more then 4 consecutive days since last winter break. and now 3 weeks? it's going to be rough. i just can't beleive this semster is really over. it was a terrible semester. and what sucks is that i feel like i'm leaving right in the middle of something big. i'm not leaving satisfied, happy, excited or anything else.. i'm just leaving. for a month. i don't know a home other then pittsburgh anymore. it's where i've grown up. it's where i spent my summer. it's where i met the love of my life, 3 times. it's where my best friends are. i have an appartment in pittsburgh. thats where i live. why should i leave? for a month.. fuck.

ok. bring it, home..
2 dews| do the dew

jirafff
yet again. [13 Dec 2005|12:23am]
am i more then you bargained for yet? i've been dieing to tell you anything you want to head.. cause thats just who i am this week.

your just a line in a song..


i did it again. kyle is an ass hole. broke another heart. hurt another nice boy. it's kinda like a hobby for me apparently. what does it take to be happy? how far can we really go? whatev. i'm fuckin happy. and i'm ok with everything else..

i'm sure i'll cry about all this later.. and write a depressing entrie.. but at least i can look back at this one and say.. yeah.. i was a bad ass..
6 dews| do the dew

jirafff
everybodies talkin [11 Dec 2005|04:01pm]
cinderella is over. no more pink tights. no more mazurka. no more costume issues. no more smoke breaks. no more washing my hands for the fun of it. no more eye liner. no more blush. no more breaking out. no more drama.

it's soooooo hard to do what you actually want to do. i've always felt like everyone should always do whatever it takes to make themselves happy.. that kinda sounds selfish when i type it out like that.. but whatev.. but what if it hurts other people? and makes them unhappy? what will they have to do to become happy again? where do we draw the line of what we do to be happy? i'm happy now. but i think i could be happier. drama. fucking drama. thats what prevents us from being completly happy. because if we do exactly what we want to do, other people get jealous.. and talk shit about you. and i would totaly be ok with people talking about me.. but it's hard when you see them everyday in class and rehearsal..

what do you do? honestly?
it's hard. it's hard to be happy..
and exhausting.
1 dew| do the dew

jirafff
sex search.com [09 Dec 2005|11:00am]
the semester is over. i went to my last class this morning.. i'm done.. i have 4 more shows and then a week to do nothing but hang with the people i love most!! horray!! this has been the worst semester ever.. so much shit happened. i mean some good things did come of it.. but most of it sucked.

yesss.. next semester WILL rock. i've alraedy been casted in contact.. i don't have classes on fridays.. i only have 3 dance classes.. ugh i can't wait!! yay!!
4 dews| do the dew

jirafff
fabulous [26 Nov 2005|02:57pm]
i don't own emotion.. i rent
1 dew| do the dew

jirafff
green peppers [22 Nov 2005|09:37pm]
the past few days have been quite good. i sleep until early afternoon.. and then get shit done around oakland wtih tracy.

(((ps we found the bestest most cutest hair salon ever!! daniel co. gave me the best hair cut ever!! and they'er all sooo nice!! so everyone that lives in pittsburgh should go!)))

anyway.. so anyway my days have been full of getting things done, watching movies, and laying around the house playing boggle. i haven't smoked in a few days. it feels kinda good. i have no money.. but life is good! me and tracy have been getting uber close again. and whitney = love. i'm very excited about our huge thanksgiving fiest that we're planning. although so far they'er doing everthing.. which is fine by me! ..rent comes out tomorrow.. and i'm also very excited about that. this has been a good week so far! and i feel as though it will just get better.

it's nice having a smile on your face!
5 dews| do the dew

jirafff
ok. [19 Nov 2005|05:35pm]
i'm almost there. i'm almost totaly happy. my last few entries are kinda dramtic.. but thus is life. ive just been so confused.. but i think i'm figuring it out.

wes.. i'm sorry for being and ass hole.
bruce.. i'm sorry for being obsessed

i have a boyfriend. and i like him, a lot. i thought i wasnt over the two above boys. but i've come to terms that no one will ever be over any ex. and if it's ment to be then it will be. but i'm happy right now. and thats all that really matters.

ok.. we're good..
2 dews| do the dew

jirafff
1 year [17 Nov 2005|05:05pm]
today is november 17th.

last year at this time was possibly the best itme of my life. i would have never admitted it before. but i will now. better then april.. well not better.. different. nothing is ever better. just different.

i kinda want last year back. well.. at least the feelings. i was soo happy. i've grown up so much since then.. i've grown up so much since april.. fuck.. i've grown up so much since yesturday. my mind keeps changing along wtih my feelings. one thing stays constant.. but the one thing sucks a lot.. ill never get him back. i don't deserve him. no one does though. hes awesome.



ps.. i'm so over that god-like person that i dwelled on all summer. really.
1 dew| do the dew

jirafff
cock it [14 Nov 2005|10:37am]
it's 10:37 am and my jazz class started at 10. my alarm went off.. i hit snooze.. then i decided that i could skip today. why would i do that? i do that all the time now. i never want to go to class. i have good classes! i'm learning.. i just don't always care. i feel like i shouldn't do that.. i shouldn't not care. damn you kyle. damn you.
4 dews| do the dew

jirafff
hands [09 Nov 2005|12:13pm]
ok. so you know how sometimes you complain about things but their really not that important but you still talk about it all the time and stuff. and then you know how sometimes you really have a problem and your not just talking but no one really cares because you always complain. kind like the little boy who cried wolf. yeah.

so how can we tell the difference from when someone really needs help and when someone is just talking because they enjoy the sound of their voice?
1 dew| do the dew

jirafff
because of you.. [08 Nov 2005|05:58pm]
theres really nothing i can do about anything right now. i fucked it up.. no second chances.. super sucks. i've realized that i blame a lot of shit on boys.. i've also realized that none of these boys i blame have ever done anything hurtful or mean to me. ever. i've always been the bitch. every time.. i've broke-up, ruined, cheated, and hurt every person i've ever really loved.

ok.
i've figured it all out.

so why don't i feel better? i still have pains, actual pains, throughout my chest and arms. anxiety i guess? all i want to do is say sorry. and grovel a bit. and possibly get a second chance? well as many of my friends have told me, second chances don't happen. fuck that. why can't things work out? ever? because they really don't..

the best part about this whole entry is that no one knows who the fuck i'm talking about anymore. boys. all of them. i miss them..
6 dews| do the dew

jirafff
[07 Nov 2005|04:27pm]

and with this.. i restart the live journal experiance.

everything is different now. but nothing has changed. i'm not going to censor my entries. fuck you. i am not rebelling. i'm going to say what i want to say. i'm not making it friends only. the rude comments from the anonymous bitches make me chuckle. i'm a conceded little prick, and i know your all just jealous. thats all. i <3 live journal.

6 dews| do the dew

jirafff
from northern nights [17 Oct 2005|02:19am]
thinking.. thinking.. thinking.. thats all i've been doing lately. i mean i guess i dance sometimes.. not very often though, not REALLY. thinking.. thinking.. i'm over it. i guess.. whatev.
10 dews| do the dew

jirafff
wake me up.. [12 Sep 2005|12:52am]
today was september 11th. that really fucking sucks. like i know everyone posted shit about it.. but honestly.. 4 years ago today.. yeah.

school has been great. great friends. great parties. great sex. just great in general.

the love life is typical. called him the other night.. cryed about it.. never gonna be over it. hearing his voice was the most amazing thing ever. and i still think that he may feel the same way.. call it stupid hope.. but i guess we all need some hope. i don't mean to sound like a stupid slut.. but i could have my pick of so many boys.. to fuck or date. but i don't want any of them. i fucking miss him. bleh..

i don't know what else to say right now. i'm fucked up a lot.. like drunk.. and high.. i get high a lot.. i'm not sure how i feel about that.. hhm.. we'll see.
4 dews| do the dew

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